I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due
to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and
better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement, who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South
Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork
rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff
though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty".
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I hear dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
The last I heard, it also had other decorations
on the sleighback as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters
and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids
turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, you will not hear the lovely
Christmas songs that have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the south. Those
song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus
Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and
Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, You Can Shove It.
Won't be long before Christmas so get ready
y'all.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus Member of North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209
