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Jokes - Page 1
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(As New jokes are received, they will be placed at the top of this page and older jokes will be moved to "Jokes - Page 2", and so on.)

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 ~ THE ELEVATOR ~


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but, especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and, then, slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair come up and push a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and, then, the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."


* (Thanks Sandra!)

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~ HUNTING ACCIDENT ~


A couple of Arkansas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

.. . There is a silence, then a shot is heard . . . The hunter says, "OK, now what?"


* (Thanks Sandra!)

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~ CHINESE JEWS ~


Sid and Al are Jews and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied, "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him,  "Are there any Chinese Jews?"  He said "I don't know sir, let me ask," and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

  "Are you sure?" Al asked.  "I will check again, sir." replied the waiter, then went back to the kitchen.

  While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, our people are scattered everywhere."

  When he returned the waiter said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again.  "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask everyone! We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"


* (Thanks Marie!)

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~ BUBBA AND COOTER ~


Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered Bubba.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," Bubba responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, Bubba shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you most likely have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!", says Bubba. Bubba is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're queer, ain't ya?"


* (Thanks, Betty F.!)

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~ CUCKOO ~


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..."promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times myself. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, then said "oh sh--," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.


* (Thanks, Betty F.!)

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~ FINAL ANSWER? ~


A husband & wife were sitting home one evening watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs and fool around."

The wife says, "NO!"

The husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs and fool around."

The wife again says, "NO!"

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "YES, that is my final answer."

The husband then asks, "Can I phone a friend?"


* (Thanks, Mike!)

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~ ICE FISHING ~


One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the ice when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there."

So he moves to another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when he hears the voice again, "There are no fish there."

So he moves again and begins cutting another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There are no fish there either."

So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?"

The voice replies, "No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink."


* (Thanks, Mike!)

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~ THE BELL RINGER ~


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!". "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."


        WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

( . . . Wait for it . . . )

......

......

......

(. . . It's worth it. . . )

......

......

......

......

. . . . he's a dead ringer for his brother!!!"


* (Thanks, Sally!)

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~ MIS-COMMUNICATION ~

Communicaions betwen U S Naval Ship and Canadian authorities........This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. {**Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95**}


Americans:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians:

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans:

This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:

No.  I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN,  THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES FLEET, THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:

We are a lighthouse.  Your call.


* (Thanks, Art!)

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~ FOR ANYONE WHO FLIES ~

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

******

 On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all you belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

******

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

******

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

******

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite."

******

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

******

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

******

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

******

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

******

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


* (Thanks, Audrey!)

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~ HOLMES INVESTIGATION ~


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."


* (Thanks, Betty W.!)

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