Free Web Site - Free Web Space and Site Hosting - Web Hosting - Internet Store and Ecommerce Solution Provider - High Speed Internet
Search the Web


Jokes - Page 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE ~


Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN ~


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.   He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."


* (Thanks, Dorothy!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ JUSTICE ~


A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."  She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ THE SOLDIER ~


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


* (Thanks, Connie!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ MONKS ~


There once were a group of monks who were having difficulty in making payments on their belfry. In order to make the money they decided to set up a flower shop outside the monastery.

It seemed that folks liked buying flowers from these "men of God" and they did quite well. This didn't endear them to the flower shop in town. They asked the good friars to close shop, since it was obviously an unfair advantage.

The monks declined and business went well. The flower shop in town sent several messengers to the friars asking them to shut down, but to no avail. Desperate, the town florist sent his mother to perhaps persuade these monks to see the light. They refused her too, and seeing no where else to turn, the town florist hired Hugh McNasty, a notorious thug, to "convince" the monks to close shop.

Hugh beat up every single monk and the store closed down, proving once again that . . . . .

----

----

----

----

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ POLICE REPORT ~


A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO ~


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband got out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ BUBBA ~


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day and said, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff and said, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So, Bubba and his boss flew out to Hollywood and knocked on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouted, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss was still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he told Bubba that he thought Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba said. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorted. "Yes," Bubba said, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss was very shaken by this point but still not totally convinced.

After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Bubba, who again implored him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replied. "Sure!" said Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they flew to Rome. Bubba and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappeared into the crowd and headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerged with the Pope on the balcony.

But, by the time Bubba returned to his boss, his boss had had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asked him, "What happened?" His boss looked up and said, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?' "


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ THE BATTLE ~


Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"


* (Thanks, Betty!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ FEELING STRESSED? ~


Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now......feeling better?


* (Thanks, Dorothy!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LAMENT ~


I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ THE DRESS OF LOVE ~


An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."


* (Thanks, Betty F.!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM ~


The little boy says to the pirate, how did you get that peg leg? The pirate says,"twas a mighty battle and a cannon ball swooped across the deck of me ship and knocked me leg clean off. They had to attached this here peg".

"Ohhhh!" says the boy, but how did you get the hook on your arm? The pirate says,"twas a fight over a fair damsel, and the blackheart I was a fightin cut me hand off. And now I have me hook".

"Wow!" says the boy, so tell me about your eye patch. The pirate says,"I was admiring the sunset from the dock, and a seagul flew over and pooped in me eye...... twas the first day I had me hook."


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ POOR ARTY ~


Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.(All green and moldy) Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.BR>
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

DRUM ROLL..........
---
---
---
---
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??........
---
---
---
---
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ IN THE BOOK ~


A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."


* (Thanks, Connie!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ SINGLE ? ~


A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're ugly."


* (Thanks, Betty F.!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ ADAM AND EVE ~


Adam was talking to God one day. He asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied, "so you would marry her and bring other children to the world."

Then Adam asked, " So why did you give her soft silky skin?" Again God anwered, "so you would marry her."

Then Adam asked," I understand now why you made her so beautiful, and soft, but why did you make her so stupid?"

God chuckled a little bit and simply replied, "So she would marry you."


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~ RAIN GEAR ~


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

'Doesn't matter,' she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel.'

The druggist fainted.


* (Thanks, Art!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



[ Jokes - Page 1 ] [ Jokes - Page 3 ]
[ Jokes - Page 4 ] [ Jokes - Page 5 ]

[ BACK to "Just 4 Lafs" ]