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Jokes - Page 3

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~ THE CHECK-UP ~


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


* (Thanks, Claudia!)

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~ MAMMOGRAM ~


Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right at your home.

Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal book-ends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the book-ends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.


* (Thanks, Audrey!)

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~ LOSIN' IT? ~


"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"


* (Thanks, Denise!)

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~ VIAGRA ~


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


* (Thanks, Sharyn!)

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~ PEANUTS ~


A man walks into a bar and sits down at a table. While waiting for a waitress, he helps himself to a bowl of peanuts. While munching them, he hears, barely audibly, a voice say, "nice hair!" He looks around, but sees no one. He shrugs and goes back to his peanuts.

Then he hears, very quietly, "great suit!" Again he looks around, but no one is close to him. He decides he must be imagining it, but then he hears, faintly, "nice tie!"

When the waitress arrives, he asks, somewhat embarrassed, "Excuse me, but do other patrons ever hear little voices in here?"

She smiles and says, "Oh, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."


* (Thanks, Betty!)

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~ WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? ~


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


* (Thanks, Art!)

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~ A BLONDE SOLUTION TO Y2K ~


A blonde guy programmer has solved the " Y to K " problem! Next year's daily planners will now include:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak . . . . . .


* (Thanks, Kerrin!)

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~ FEEL LIKE A WOMAN ~


On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.  Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.  "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

The guy gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers:

"Here.... Iron this."


* (Thanks, Kerrin!)

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~ THE LOTTERY ~


Woman comes home one evening. She runs thru the door and shouts out to her husband, "Honey! Pack your things I've just won the lottery!"?

Her husband responds, "Should I pack for the ocean or pack for the mountains?"

She replies, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!!"


* (Thanks, Audrey!)

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~ BEER AND HORMONES ~


Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't think, couldn't drive, couldn't go 20 minutes without stopping to go to the bathroom, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.


* (Thanks, Suzi!)

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~ ANYONE FOR BUNGEE-JUMPING? ~


Two guys were bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico". The second guy thought this was a great idea, so the two pool their money and bought everything they'd need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They traveled to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As they were constructing the tower, a crowd begin to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he came back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy wasn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a PINATA?


* (Thanks, Connie!)

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~ MAHATMA GANDHI ~


Mahatma Gandhi, being a deeply spiritual man, eschewed many of the wantonly manufactured products of modernity such as cars and buses and preferred to walk everywhere - to the point where the skin on the bottom of his feet was quite thick and hard. Even when not on a hunger strike, he refrained from eating very much and grew to be quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with some VERY bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....





Ready??



Here it is................



Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.



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~ STATUES ~


In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head"


* (Thanks, Sharyn!)

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~ THE BRAIN TRANSPLANT ~


The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant.  This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the  men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been  used."


* (Thanks, Claudia)

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~ WOMAN WITHOUT MAN ~


An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ TYPICAL MALE ~


A man who has three girlfriends does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each $5000 and see how each one spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a sexy new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a wide screen television, and a stereo and gives it all to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the original $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future "because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of them spent the money, then decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.


* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ GRANDMA ~


One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall oversideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"


* (Thanks, Art)

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~ THE PHARMACIST ~


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family   pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist....".


* (Thanks, Connie!)

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