"Jokes - Page 4"

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Jokes - Page 4

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~ THE GHOSTS AND PRESIDENT CLINTON ~

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Lincoln replied, "Go to the theatre."

* (Thanks, Suzi!)

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~ GREEN SIDE UP ~

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.

The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." , said the woman. Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.

In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

* (Thanks, Kerrin)

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~ WITH TWO YOU GET.... ~

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

"I want number 69" she replies.

"You want beef with broccoli?"

* (Thanks, Betty)

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~ BOOB ~

Contrary to popular belief, God actually created Eve first.

After a few days, He went down to check on her. She told Him that everything was beautiful there, but there was just one thing - she really didn't need three breasts!

"No problem", said God. He removed the middle breast and threw it into the bushes. He then told her He would check on her again in a few days.

When God returned, Eve told Him that she was much better without the third breast. But she also said that she was very lonely, and could He please make her a friend or a partner?

"No problem", said God. He went into the bushes, got the useless boob and made it into a man.

* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ THE OPTIMIST ~

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ THE PERFECT STORY ~

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2+2).

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for the answer)

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The perfect woman!

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ OLD ENOUGH TO SWEAR ~

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS ~

- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

- EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!

- Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

- Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? ~

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...... ."

* (Thanks, Betty)

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~ WARM WORMS ~

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

* (Thanks, Art)

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~ SOPHIE AND SHIRLEY ~

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

* (Thanks, Betty)

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~ THE CURE ~

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor", she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ WHAT ? ~

My husband has always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told me he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

I pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."

He looked up and asked, "Come again?

* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE ~

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly alright," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

And the little blind bunny was so pleased he jumped with joy. He said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didnt know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls - you must be a lawyer."

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ GROWN-UP WORDS ~

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. Then she then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit!"

* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ SAND ~

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ THE PINCESS AND THE FROG ~

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and spend your life feeling happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed and said, "I don't think so."

* (Thanks, Kerrin)

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