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Jokes - Page 5

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 ~ QUESTIONS FOR GOD ~


A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, " Certainly, just a second."


* (Thanks, Kerrin)

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~ THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG ~


The chicken and the egg lie back in their bed after an erotic interlude in the coup. Letting out a satisfying sigh, the chicken takes a long drag from it's cigarette as the egg mutters under it's breath, "Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."


* (Thanks, Kerrin)

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~ THINGS TO PONDER ~

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

  If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

  Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

   How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

   How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

  If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

  If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,   "Quit while you're ahead"?!

  I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

   Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

   What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?


* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ ARE COMPUTERS MALE OR FEMALE? ~


As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:


1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:


1. They have lots of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.


* (Thanks, Kerrin)

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~ DUMB BLONDE?? ~


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains,"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


* (Thanks, Sally)

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~ MEN ~


If a man is in the woods alone...with no woman to hear him........Is he still wrong?
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  YES!


* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ THE FERRARI ~


A hip young man goes out and buys a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"


 * (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ HOW TO RESPOND TO PICK-UP LINES ~

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"


* (Thanks, Audrey)

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~ JOB INTERVIEW ~

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


* (Thanks, Connie)

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~ IT IS WITH DEEP REGRET.... ~



A great entertainer died this week!!!!!

It is with deep regret that I inform you of the following:

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song Hokey Pokey died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in.........well, you know
the rest.


* (Thanks, Sharyn)


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~ JUST KEEP IT WET ~


Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"


* (Thanks, Sharyn)

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~ TRAVELERS ~


A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role in this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains, "Well one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to posess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman hesitates, "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."


* (Thanks, Kerrin)


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~ CHURCH ~


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly."What Happened?" inquired the pastor. The young man replied, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either."


* (Thanks, Art)


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~ LITTLE SUZIE ~


Little Suzie asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. Mom says, "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little Suzie goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Trixie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Trixie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little Suzie left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Trixie?" Little Suzie said, "Trixie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."


* (Thanks, Audrey)

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 ~ THE FLORIST ~


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"


* (Thanks, Audrey)

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